I’m the Black half of an interracial couple and I have a LOT of feels about it. 

Maybe other Black folks in interaccial partnerships can understand this but somewhere, deep inside, I experience feelings of guilt because my partner is White. There's a gnawing thought of an obligation to be partnered with someone who is Black like me. Beyonce and Jay-Z present the ultimate tableau, African Kings and Queens birthing brown babies and swimming in abundance and excellence.  If only right? The truth is, they’re real people with real (fabulous) problems. I’m not supposing that if I had a Black partner I’d be somehow happier or more successful but I’ve wondered while pondering my deepest depths: is there a chance I’d feel more whole?

Whenever I do deep work around my relationship I face so many things that make me downright uncomfortable. I sit with questions like, “Am I attracted to my partner  because my whole life I’ve been fed the lie that White bodies are best? Is my union with my partner in some way an ancestral expression of a slave, master dynamic? Is my choice to partner with someone in a White body a betrayal of Black bodies? Am I in any way being fetishized? Am I a traitor?  

Hey it gets heeeeavy ya’ll. I remember to take a deep breath in and out…..

It makes total sense why these questions come up gently yet heavy on my soul. Chattel enslavement of my ancestors by his ancestors ended not so long ago and the unhealed ramifications persist today. Not even 60 years ago sex and marriage between people of different skin tones was made federally legal! (I don’t think any amount of time could pass where the history of a USA Law like that one will not blow my mind) On June 12, 1967 the Supreme court ruled in favor of interracial couple Mildred and Richard Loving in the landmark case, Loving vs. Virginia, which inspires the celebration of interracial unions and mixed race people, stories and contributions on “Loving Day.”

At the end of a soul search sesh (say that 3 times fast!) I feel gratitude for the opportunity I have to learn a bit more about myself, peel back another layer of Me, access my truth. Being in an interracial partnership can bring up a lot of tough lessons. But, hey, being in ANY relationship should bring up tough lessons.  When I dig just a little bit deeper I find connection is about so much more than skin color.

Healthy relationships allow ample space to hold both the heaviness and lightness of the union. It’s not important (or possible, or fair, for that matter) that my partner understands every little thing about me. It IS important that we mutually accept all the parts of each other that we’ve bravely revealed throughout our relationship journey. Vulnerability is  real intimacy and a pathway to unconditional love that we can choose to have in any relationship. When you remove the culture of rejection, it leaves space for authentic growth and the healing of our intertwined ancestral trauma. 

 And so that’s what makes me feel Whole: When I, ME, choose to occupy a loving, nurturing space where I can explore and celebrate myself!  No rejection, no debilitating perfectionism,  just acceptance. The road to feeling Whole is always a solo journey (read that again!) but omg am I grateful to be partnered next to someone who is able to mirror back my awesomeness and inspire me in their own Self-Acceptance journey.  

Happy Loving Day to mixed race folks, interracial couples, mixed melaninated unions, lovers, families and friends!!

Dedicated to Justin, my Dutch Treat, my unimaginably supportive husband, who loves and accepts me so truly and wholey, hair bonnet and all.

#lovingday #interracialcouples #mixedrace #intterracialbeauty #lovestory #truelove 

Originally published June 12, 2021