How To Renegotiate A Relationship That Isn't Working
Are you in one of those heavy relationship moments that asks: Should I stay or should I go?! Chances are, if you're evaluating the worth of one of your relationships, you're evaluating your Life on the whole. It'd be really choppy to step into a new life and work to retain the same cast of characters. As we grow, things come and go out of our bubble, people included, it's just how it works. One way to deal with this reality is to cling desperately to every job, partner and friend that moves through your world, another is to go cold and isolate your life as best you can. I've lived both those realities. Both modes are an attempt to resist newness/change and both end up at the same place: slow, disappointing growth and a stream of awkward relationships.
So how tf do we grow AND honor the life we've created along the way?
When you know a relationship just isn't working (and you knooooow when you know) you have two choices. You can find the best possible way to lovingly release a person from your life, thanking them for all the rich lessons in relating that they provided (byeeEEE!) OR you can agree to renegotiate how your relationship works. Both of you will choose to come together, communicate, speak your mind (this is easy), speak your truth (this is hard), air out old grievances, co-examine old patterns that squelch personal growth and mindfully create the terms of a brand new relationship that allows you both space to be as authenticate as possible.
Renegotiating a relationship is no easy task and there is risk involved! If ya’ll can’t agree on terms that work for you it either means you end the relationship or you continue to exist inside a relationship that isn’t working ( which is a pretty defeating, limiting and uninspiring option, sure to disappoint and resent in the near future)
Like so many of the things that help us grow, initiating a relationship renegotiation will suck at first but ultimately change your life and the future relationships that flow your way. Imagine moving into your bright future with a squad (support system) that inspires you toward your best self! Imagine the freedom and possibility in both your lives when you either choose to walk forward in a new understanding or lovingly go your separate ways? Space, energy, creativity and opportunity flow in when resistance to growth is dissolved. I was going to write out steps on HOW to have a mindful relationship renegotiation conversation but I came across some steps that really resonated and didn’t feel like reinventing the wheel. Ready to fortify your existing relationships and make space for new ones?
Check out the steps below from psychologist Lissa Rankin
How To Renegotiate A Sacred Contract
1. Take a moment in silence and tap into your highest self (what I call your “Inner Pilot Light” or what you might call your spirit.) Then tap into the highest self of your loved one. Allow those two selves to agree to bring into being whatever is in the highest good for you both during your negotiation. Invite the highest self of your loved one to communicate any messages you might need to know going into the conversation. Resolve to allow the highest good to come into being without attaching to any specific outcome.
2. Initiate dialogue. This is easiest when both parties are unhappy with the status quo. If one of you is clueless because the other has been faking it, it can take more moxy to admit that you’d like things to be different. Make sure you lead with compassion and gratitude, not blaming, shaming, criticizing, or judging. If you put someone on the defensive from the get-go, you won’t get far.
3. Establish safety. If this is a relationship you really wish to resuscitate, make it clear that you are not here to fight. You’re here to do CPR. Help your loved one reduce stress responses in his or her nervous system, so he or she doesn’t get all “fight-or-flight” on you. Remind the one you love of how much you care and are committed to saving the relationship.
4. Set clear intentions. Get clear on what you both desire from the relationship. Be vulnerable. Get brutally honest. What outcome do you wish to achieve? You are a master manifester when you, The Universe, and your loved one set clear intentions for co-creation. When your intentions are a mess, you’ll create a mess.
5. Lead with gratitude. Let your loved one know how much you care. This can be challenging when the relationship has broken down, because it’s easy to focus on built up resentment, unmet expectations, disappointments, frustrations, anger, or feelings of betrayal. List the reasons you cherish the relationship, even if it feels impossibly vulnerable to do so. When you both lead from gratitude, it will soften the process and remind you both why you’re doing this.
6. Determine what’s working for you both. Sign up for more of that. Break it down into clear line items and put it in your contract.
7. Own your stuff. How have you contributed to the breakdown of the relationship? Take responsibility for the part you’ve played in co-creating the relationship’s breakdown, rather than playing the victim. When both of you are willing to own your own part in the dysfunction, you’ll find an opening, a place for negotiation, an opportunity for change and healing arises. It will also diffuse some of the resentment, disappointment, or anger you may both feel.
8. Confess what isn’t working for you. Be willing to be uncomfortably, even painfully honest. Don’t lead with blame, shame, criticism, or judgment. Make it about you as much as you can (use “I” language. “I feel ____ when you _____.”) and avoid “You” language. “You did _____ to me.”) If you’re going to point out ways in which your loved one makes you unhappy (and yes, you must), deliver your message gently, with great compassion. Practice non-violent communication. Invite your loved one to confess what isn’t working on his/her end.
9. Brainstorm solutions. A sacred contract renegotiation requires compromise. Once you’ve laid your cards on the table, how might you fix what’s not working? Remember, this is not an ultimatum. You are not making demands, nor is your loved one. You are merely making suggestions, and you can see how your loved one responds. If you can both agree on new terms based on a brainstorm that resonates with you both, write it down as a line item. This is a new term in your sacred contract.
10. Go the mat. Assuming steps 1-8 have gone well, get brave. (If they haven’t, consider hiring a therapist. I’m regularly in therapy with my husband, and I’ve also now been in therapy twice to try to save difficult friendships I cherish.) Once you both realize it’s safe to be honest, take your confessions a vulnerable step deeper. Speak radical truth- gently and with ownership of your part in it all. Don’t hold back. Read your loved one and check in with how things are going. Be willing to take a break and come back later if one of you is hitting your wall. Determine the level of commitment both of you are demonstrating. Is your loved one willing to go to the mat with you? Or is one of you shutting down? Are you able to stay in a place of compassion and gratitude? Is your loved one? Can you get radically honest without getting triggered?
11. Be present with your own reactions. Take breaks if you need time- and give your loved one permission to do the same, If you or your loved one needs to step back from the negotiation process, do what you can to reassure each other, since stepping back from the negotiation can trigger fears of rejection or abandonment. Ask for the space you need, but do what you can to reassure the one you love that you’re not rejecting the relationship; you’re just processing.
12. Avoid the tendency to exert control. This is not a time to prove that you’re right. Healthy relationships are not a power struggle. Be willing to be wrong, while simultaneously speaking your truth. If the relationship is important to you, make peace with your discomfort with being out of control in a difficult relationship.
13. Rewrite your contract. Can you agree to new terms? Get it in writing so it’s SUPER DUPER clear. Give yourselves permission to keep noodling the contract. Add to it or amend it as new thoughts come up. Print it out and sign it if you really want to make it official. But also acknowledge that the contract may be changed at any time. Give each other permission to initiate a “renegiating the sacred conversation” anytime one of you feels it is needed.
14. Celebrate! If your relationship survives this process, celebrate! It can be such a relief to just speak truth that you may feel 1000 pounds lighter just from being who you really are. If it goes well, you’re likely to feel a giddy sense of potential and feelings of hopefulness about the nature of your relationship.
What if it doesn’t go well? (Continued from Lissa Rankin’s work)
If your sacred contract negotiation doesn’t go well, that’s a good sign that it’s time for both of you to determine how much you value the relationship. If the stakes are high- you’re married, related, or BFF’s, get a good couples therapist. If you’re not that invested in the relationship, be willing to bless each other, thank each other for the spiritual lessons you’ve both learned, and say goodbye with grace and compassion. I’m the kind of person who wants to know, with 100% certainty, that I’ll be close to the people I love when we’re both 85 and in our rocking chairs. But I’m learning that sometimes, with grace, it’s time to bless, honor, and thank the people our souls call into our lives to teach us lessons and then release them when the learning is done- with great love. I used to think that if a relationship didn’t last forever, somebody f*cked up. But I now think differently. Maybe sometimes we show up in each other’s lives to learn what our souls are here to learn, and then when the learning is complete, we can release each other- with love.
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