Northwest Vipassana Center (Dhamma Kuñja)

It’s been four year since I went to a Vipassana Meditation Retreat. I still remember the pain, pleasure and panic. I don’t know where I’d heard about Vipassana retreats but it was a super pivotal time in my life when I finally decided to go. I had just romantically met someone new I wasn’t sure about, I was moving from the city to the suburbs and I was really unsure about what next steps to take in my life in general. I guess I was searching for some clarity, some answers. Oh! And I was a burgeoning meditation teacher too so it felt like a write of passage I was obligated to take. I just felt deeply that I needed to be there.

Because I was a restaurant server with a flexible schedule (yet zero paid time off) it was pretty easy to get 10 days off. However, I can’t imagine what this much of a time commitment might mean for  many people, especially parents and caretakers. Making space for the retreat seems to be sort of the first step in committing to the journey over all. And it’s not just 10 days away, it’s 10 days of radio silence, no cell phones, no TV, no FaceTime, no juicy conversations, no books, no news. Complete disconnection (except for emergencies and to be clear, all participants are always free to leave). I was committed to the process and I thought things would even be a little easier on me because I taught meditation and had a regular, daily meditation practice. I had no idea what was to come….

DAY 1

The nearest Vipassana Retreat Center to me is a two hour drive, about halfway between Seattle where I live and Portland. I pulled up and completed my registration, everyone was nice and welcoming. I was one of maybe three people of color (out of 100) which I thought, “Hey that’s a higher percentage than I normally see at a meditation class!” Sad but true. I thought they’d check my bags and luggage for cell phones, potato chips, some sort of contraband but that was not the case. The decision to comply with the rules was ultimately left up to us and that level of personal responsibility actually made me feel more at ease. I turned off my cell phone and left it in my glove compartment. Honestly, the thing I missed the absolute LEAST was having my cell phone. I pretty much forgot about it until Day 10 and most people said they did too.

Everyone is allowed to talk on Day One until the first meditation in the evening. As this was a pre-Covid retreat we shared a room and a bathroom with one other person. My roommate had her three children and husband moving her in, they all looked overwhelmed. I sent some silent love vibes to them. 10 days is super long, especially for kids and especially for Dad’s who don’t appear to be the main caretaker. The accommodations at this retreat in Onalaska, WA are truly lovely and the surrounding area is gorgeous, seated at the base of Mount Rainier in a lush and rural mountain valley. I thought, “ I could definitely get used to living here.”

The meditation hall was huge and men and women were separated on either side of the space.The teacher sat on a slight elevated stage before us, facing the group, with the intenatino to hold the space and infuse it with “focus vibes.” Old students (those who have completed one or more courses) sit up front  and new students sit behind them. I’m not lying when I say there were HUNDREDS of different props available for sitting during meditation. Pillows, stools, blankets, blocks, wedges, you name it. The longest meditation in the day lasts up to two and a half hours and I can tell you, even if I had used all the props, I would not be comfortable sitting that long. But this was day one and I was optimistic. I took a few pillows and made my way to the hall.

There was a really beautiful energy to the space, it was definitely charged with hours upon hours of meditative energy. When we all settled in, a large projection screen was lowered and a BOOMING chant came out through the speakers. You could feel the room holding in collective nervous giggles. An older quality video of S.N. Goenka came on. Goenka was a Burmese born teacher of Vipassana in India, while he is now dead, his recorded teachings are still used to instruct at Vipassana retreats worldwide. At this point, if I had paid to  be there I might have been like, “Seriously?! We’re getting taught by a recording?” but I was humbled by the fact that it was free and I accepted it.  I would encounter this humility many times throughout the retreat. 

We learned about the principles of Vipassana, it seemed vague but something in me knew this was deep and expansive work and I really liked Goenka’s vibe. Because of my religious upbringing (which took me years to dismantle) I can be quite skeptical about anything that sniffs of dogma or seems culty. This felt good to me, it felt universal.

We took our vow of what they call “Noble Silence” and then dropped into a group meditation.  

I was pretty much IMMEDIATELY uncomfortable. We were supposed to be focused on just feeling our breath on our upper lip as we breathed in and out from our nose, that’s it. We’d been told to just view our discomfort and competing thoughts instead of trying to escape but my back, legs, and ankles were screaming. I was so distracted by being uncomfortable and trying not to disturb people with my near constant readjustment that that first meditation flew by. I promised myself I’d do better next time, get more props and make more of an effort to stay present. Around 9 pm we head back to our rooms and lights out. The next day starts with a 4:30am meditation. WAIT WHAT!?

DAY 2

Chimes and gongs rang me out of my sleep. Yep, each day at a Vipassana Retreat starts with two hours of  meditation from 4:30am-6:30am either in your room or in the meditation hall. I figured I better show up to the meditation hall and floated there with dozens of other zombies in silence. We weren’t even supposed to look at each other to simulate being in an actual Buddhist Monastery. This time I grabbed even more props than I thought I would need. I wasn’t messing around. Surely with 12 different items I could make some sort of nest to hold me up for two hours? No, I was again, super uncomfortable, which sort of worked because I might have fallen asleep if I wasn’t struggling so hard to sit up straight.

Breakfast was soon after the morning meditation. The no talking and no eye contact was still in effect and we even ate separated by gender. The food at a Vipassana retreat is completely vegetarian and I was definitely ok with that but I imagine if you’re used to meat being central to your meal you might get hung up about that.

We had another hour long meditation after breakfast and I felt like it was a little better mentally but I was still struggling physically.

The rest of the day we had Lunch, a rest period, optional interviews with the retreat teacher (you can sign up for five minute slots to ask the teacher questions about technique and Vipassana related matters), a 90 minute meditation in the hall or your room, 1 hour group meditation, another 90 minute meditation in the hall or your room, a tea break, a 1 hour group meditation another hour of Goenka video, another one hour meditation and then off to bed by 9pm. That is A LOT of meditation (about 10 hours all added up) and it was only Day 2.

DAY 3

On day three the gongs and bells the volunteers play outside our doors went off at 4:30 AM. It sounded angelic, like a total dream.  It was time to meditate. I was so so tired. I craved staying in bed but I once again zombied my way to the meditation hall. I reworked my setup but again, felt pain and discomfort. I noticed I was really feeling the breath on my upper a lot more. That had to be something right?

Breakfast and lunch passed and the food was pretty good. Nothing fancy but I love a good salad dressing and they certainly had one. Luckily they had coffee, a saving grace and one of the few “vices” there.

During the break periods I took more time walking around the beautiful grounds, I saw an eagle flying above and took it as a good sign.

When I returned to my room to get ready for the next group meditation I noticed my roommate's side of the room was completely cleared out. WTF. My first thought was, “It this because of me?” and then “You lucky bitch!.” I imagined her thinking of her kids and just making the call, she did what was right for her.  I was actually quite relieved to not have to do the silent “Can I shower/brush my teeth/wash my face?” dance anymore. At the group meditation I noticed maybe a couple people not there. Wow, this was getting real.

DAY 4

GOOOONG!! The morning bells sounded more like warfare than angels this morning. I would not be going to the meditation hall this morning for the 4:30 am meditation. I sat up in bed, covers still on, leaned against the wall and started the meditation. 

Next thing I know I woke up at 7:30am and barely made it to breakfast. I slept through meditation.  I was really struggling being there but I told myself I had to at least make it halfway through the retreat, I mean I was a meditation teacher.  Why was this so hard? Was it hard for other people?

I felt alone. I needed to look someone in the eye and share a smile. I needed a hug. It was so weird but the thing I missed the most was human contact or even human acknowledgement.  The isolation wore on me the fastest even though I was in a sea of people.

Our meditations had begun to evolve beyond the upper lip by this point, we were starting to go deeper with the technique…

DAY 5

I heard the morning bells and didn’t even get up. This is the day I decided I was leaving. I was going to stay for the full day and leave at night so that I could say I made it halfway through, that was enough for me.

I sort of went through the day savoring it all, knowing it’d be the last time I was ever there. I kept telling myself that five days at a silent retreat was great, I had nothing to be ashamed of. I had to give this speech to myself about every 40 minutes as my guilt in leaving kept rising up.

During meditation, I grabbed one of the actual chairs at the perimeter of the room. They reserve these for older folks or folks with different needs of ability. I felt like an asshole but there were more than one open and I had literally tried every single prop in pretty much every different angle. The chair felt way better, still uncomfortable after two hours, but an improvement.

My last meditation of the day I felt some sort of shift. When I felt discomfort, I had what felt like minutes to just watch it and then it would seriously fade away. Is that what Goenka was talking about? All of a sudden a deep traumatic experience I’d forgotten flew up in my mind. My heart rate went up, I felt panic and spiritual pain. I wanted to run, adjust like when my back felt like it was breaking but I stayed with it, tears streaming down my face. I focused on my breath and the experience faded. I felt all the tension in my muscles release, without my doing. Something like deep relief flooded me. I opened my eyes,  it broke my focus but I couldn't help but try and figure out WTF just happened. It felt like spiritual wound healing. What was this?!

The video of Goenka that night talked about the feeling of wanting to leave the retreat, that most students felt that way at this point. I couldn’t believe it, it was what I needed to hear at that moment.  I decided I’d leave the next day and collapsed into bed extremely exhausted.

DAY 6

Ok TODAY I was leaving. Yea I know I’d had some sort of breakthrough but I felt like I was going crazy with boredom. You weren’t supposed to journal, workout, or anything to occupy your time. You were supposed to just be. I really needed somewhere to process though! 

So I broke a rule…..I’d brought a journal not knowing the rule about no journaling and had promised not to fish it out of my suitcase. The time was now. I needed to fucking WRITE. I filled four pages with just chatter and felt much better. I was able to sort of reframe many things for myself and I also came up with some questions about the technique itself that I was really curious about. I signed up for a slot with the meditation teacher and excitedly asked my questions, she was really encouraging and helpful. It felt SO weird to talk honestly, kind of good though…

That night in meditation I felt a new determination. I felt myself meditating with more ease. Focusing for longer lengths. I felt these major surges of love and gratitude that brought tears to my eyes. Again, the message from Goenka was exactly what I needed to hear. I really liked the nightly discourse videos but we were so starved for media based stimulation so who knows?

DAY 7

The morning gongs came on and I sat up in bed to meditate. I was on Day 7 so I might as well stay and do the damn thing, that was my thinking. I got through the morning meditation without passing out and felt really proud about that.

By now everyone at the retreat center had gotten really good at telepathic communication. I really mean that. We knew how to say “You got first” “Bless you” and “Thank You” without words and it was really beautiful to be in a human's presence with that level of intimacy and grace.

I was having cravings for certain foods and sort of sick of some of the food they were serving us but that ole humility kicked in when I remembered all the food and the lovely volunteers serving it were of no cost to me.

During the breaks I noticed I felt every breeze like it was a hug. I noticed everything in such a rich way, the sound of the gravel under my feet, the grass in the wind, a worm coming up to the surface and going back down. Ant hills offered more entertainment than a Netflix binge and while I did “cheat” and write in my journal again it was really only a paragraph. I felt much better just “being.”

DAY 8

Only two more days to go! Meditations were now quite deep and powerful. Whether it was a physical sensation or a deep seated memory I felt like I could stay present with what was happening within. Thoughts and distractions were happening less and less and my ability to focus felt almost primal. I couldn't believe it. Days before, focus  beyond 20 seconds felt downright impossible. The surges of deep gratitude and joy I’d been feeling for a few days were now a full flowing current. I think this is what “connection” feels like. Wholeness.

DAY 9

The morning bells went off and I was already awake and waiting. Holy shit, I’m going to actually finish this thing! For the first time I didn’t feel like a zombie walking to the meditation hall for the first meditation, I felt gratitude and joy to gather and have all this time carved out to be present.

I felt acutely aware that soon my noble silence would be broken and all the business, distractions and complications of life would return. Instead of being sad to return to my regular life I decided to just savor the silence and ease one last day.

My meditations on this day were very interesting. I’ve used plant medicines to heal and they very much began to take on a feeling similar to that. I even felt the presence of some of the plant spirits I’ve sat with, like they were joining on my last day, cheering on my healing and expansion. I also deeply felt the pride and hands of my ancestors on my back. This work I’d been doing wasn’t just for me, it was for the generations before and after me. 

A few times I felt a total detachment from my body. Is this being one with the universe? I’d experienced what people cringingly call an ego death and this felt similar except I wasn’t filled with fear like the first time. This felt like freedom, lightness. I’d feel like just a speck of the universe, which put me at ease, and then all of a sudden I’d feel like the entire universe, which made me feel like I’d burst, I couldn’t contain it all, I could only witness and let it all wash through me.

DAY 10

I rose and walked to the meditation hall for the 4:30am meditation in deep reverence. I smiled to myself thinking of how much I’d hated the sound of the morning gongs, took offense to them even. Oh how times had changed. 

After breakfast and a final group meditation in the hall we were told that while noble silence would remain in effect in the meditation hall, we could break it once we left. In fact we were encouraged to break noble silence outside the hall as a way to ease ourselves back into our lives. I was surprised to feel just how apprehensive I’d be about talking again.

A group of us  just sort of just sat around a bench and didn’t say anything for a full 10 minutes. I think we were reluctant to go back to a world filled with noise but it was time. We talked about EVERYTHING, from the lady with the world's loudest pants (don’t wear corduroy or windbreaker material to a Vipassana retreat!), we talked about our favorite and least favorite meals, we talked about who left and who had been threatening to leave (most of us).  We groaned about the early mornings and painful backs and gushed about our new found sense of groundedness and inner contentment.

It was so odd to feel so bonded to people who were actual strangers. We’d been somewhere together, had climbed a proverbial mountain top as one. They were a handful of people who could understand what I’d just gone through and they helped to validate my journey and experiences. I’m still in touch with a few of those people to this day.

Even though the meditation is free, if you finish the ten days you pretty much feel compelled to donate. Not out of obligation but out of true gratitude.  I certainly donated what I could afford at that time, it wasn’t much but it felt so good to repay, in some small way, the kindness of all the volunteer teachers and servers. 

I packed up my car and plugged in my phone. A few random texts, nothing important or huge. I checked the news, nothing important or huge. I hadn’t missed anything but I’d gained everything. I drove home in silence, at this point I was so stimulated by my surroundings that it was enough.  I stopped to get some french fries and they tasted way too salty and oily, my taste buds had even changed. When I got home, all I wanted to do was sit on my back porch in silence and watch the tree’s sway in the breeze. I felt completely at home in my body on Earth and finally, just Being felt like more than enough.

AFTERWARDS (and four years later)

The Vipassana Retreat is meant to train you to be able to do vipassana twice a day for one hour at a time at home. I probably did this for 3-5 days until I stopped. Without being in that beautiful cocoon of an environment I found keeping up the practice almost impossible. YES, I absolutely have two hours a day to spare but would I realistically be spending it in meditation? Sigh, No… I did, however, keep to a daily meditation that I’ve continued, on and off, but mostly on, for years. 

The experience completely recalibrated me to pause between my actions and pause before I judge a situation. I find I have a lot more capacity and patience to understand a situation. Not everything is a five alarm fire. I have more grace with myself and others.

I gained a better understanding of a way one could heal without using plant medicine or going through years of talk therapy. I still feel the effects of those 10 days of insight meditation as I move about the world. I feel more engaged, I don’t just KNOW I’m a part of the universe, I feel it. I also feel a deep connection to my ancestors and  family members that have passed away.

Most of all I’m very proud of myself for sticking through the ten days. I see myself in a different light. It strengthened me. I was afraid to face myself, I was afraid to release judgments and I was terrified to release the grip on all the endless thoughts floating through my head. A quiet mind  felt impossible, scary even. At the retreat I was totally threatened by the thought of focusing on one thing and I battled my compulsion to fill space and escape in thought for the better half of the retreat. But I kept coming back. My desire to feel whole and well and centered trumped any programming that told me I wanted the opposite. My true nature had a chance to speak, or to be heard really, and I answered the call.

I wouldn’t recommend a Vipassana Retreat to everyone but I'd recommend it to most people. You don’t know who you are until you sit and face yourself and retreats like this really give you the space and time to do so. The technique itself is really deep and powerful, again, as effective if not more so, than using plant medicine in my opinion. Maybe it’s because YOU have to decide to power yourself through the journey, to take the reigns and gift yourself an inner peace that transcends space time and the body.

Thank you thank you thank you to the servers, teachers and staff that held us for our 10 day retreat, thank you Mother Earth, Father Sky the mountains, wind, living things that kept us company as we sat with ourselves. Ajo!